Classic Film Reviews: Schindler’s List

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A recurring Liam Neeson theme seems to be emerging; hopefully I will diversify my tastes more whenever I see my next film. I feel it would be best to begin where I left off. I’m not going to lie, I found Liam Neeson strangely attractive in this film; what that says about me I don’t know, but Liam Neeson has never been more appealing to me than when he was playing a Nazi.

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Frankly, I thought the whole film smacked of anti-semitism, which was displeasing. Steven Spielberg should have known better! Jewish characters were portrayed as second-class, dirty, and were often dead or dying. Whereas Nazi characters were presented as well-fed, well-liquored, and generally jovial. It was all in poor taste.

As for the style, I was disappointed to see that the film was in black-and-white. As we all know, black-and-white films are awful – no exceptions. Someone in production clearly knew this and had made a vain attempt to rectify the situation by adding the colour red to a random little girl’s coat. This effort was transparent and had ultimately done nothing to resolve the mistake of producing a film in black-and-white.

Furthermore, this was a long film. Really long. A film that was spread out (for my copy at least) over two discs. No-one should have to swap discs in the DVD player after unhealthy amounts of genocide are spread across their television screen. Another rather tasteless attempt to limit the potential boredom factor of witnessing mass genocide for 3 HOURS was the inclusion of many boobs. Though this was appreciated, I cannot shake the feeling that this was one of those few circumstances when soft pornography was not appropriate.

To wrap up, this was a tasteless film. The mixing of anti-semitic mass genocide sequences and soft pornography makes for a morally confusing cocktail. It is on this basis that I must deem this film worthy of a:

1/10

If only for Liam Neeson’s increased sex appeal.

Classic Film Reviews: Taken

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This is a film about a badass man with a bitch-ass daughter and an annoying ex-wife who is married to a man so comical and uncool that the only logical conclusion is their partnership must have been a joke that went too far.

Liam Neeson is a very capable chap and little seems to go wrong in the finding and saving of his doped-up, dressed-down, debutant sex-slave daughter. That’s basically all the plot there is.

Now that’s over with let us discuss some niggling issues:

WHY does his daughter run everywhere? Seriously, watch it again, it’s really weird. She literally runs in every scene, what a whore she would have made! Packing more energy than the energizer bunny.

WHY are Lenore and Stuart such pricks when Liam returns his daughter relatively unharmed? Basically ignored him. Didn’t even offer a lift! Nightmare.

HOW determined can one fat man be to have sex with his purchase? So many died…

But more importantly, WHAT is it about Liam Neeson?

Seriously, I don’t get it. I don’t understand why he’s attractive. Whilst watching with several ladies I felt a palpable swoon with every action-packed scene as he fought relentlessly for his daughter’s freedom. But let’s get one thing straight – Liam Neeson is a fairly ugly man. NOT IN GENERAL… But for a Hollywood action hero he ain’t that great. Let me briefly talk you through why he does not compare in any category of Hollywood hotness.

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Standard attractive

3

Old attractive

4

Rugged attractive

5

‘Sum of parts’ attractive (i.e. weird features but still attractive)

"He's Just Not That Into You" World Premiere - ArrivalsI hope you can see that Liam Neeson does not fit in with the Hollywood elite. He’s a bit too weedy to be rugged, a bit too frail looking to be old attractive, his beady tired eyes stop him from being traditionally attractive and his features don’t add up to a pretty mug.

Now here is why I’m weirded out that people think Liam Neeson is attractive.

He’s such a fatherly character! He’s world’s greatest Dad, not world’s greatest lover. Granted he does a lot of cool stuff, but it’s all in the name of protecting his simple daughter; not a femme fatale or plodding, lovable wife. The way the ladies in the room melted for him was enough to give me shivers. And it got me thinking, he’s a father-figure in most of his films (that I’ve seen)!

Star Wars – Father figure

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Love Actually – Father figure

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Batman – Father figure

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A-Team – Father figure

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So please, if you find Liam Neeson attractive then stay away from me. Particularly if you’re my child.